Want to kill myself

I just want to kill myself. But i dont have the courage anymore...
I dont know why I live anymore. my life sucks...
getting up....eating a bun at about 11 in the morning and sleeping until about 4 and eating bread or cornflakes...and going to bed ...
I might as well just die in the room....no one is going to even notice ..until ofcourse my body starts smelling...
Have had enough of crying and sleeping ..
why did this happen to me ...
why did she do this to me ...

Birthday Wishes

Wish you a happy birthday
to my friend

கண்ணீரால் ஒரு கவிதை!

கண்ணீர் கன்னம் நனைக்க
காதல் கால் நனைக்க
கனவின்றி கண்சிவந்து
கவிதையோடு தவம் கிடக்கிறேன்

ஒரு நாள் மறையவே
ஒரு ஜென்மம் போகுதடி
மறு நாள் வராமல் போகுமென்றே
மரணத்துக்காய் காத்திருக்கிறேன்

என் காதலும் என் கண்ணிரும்
என்னை நனைத்தே அழுக்காக்க
இன்னும் நீ மாறவில்லை

பழகிய நாட்களை மறக்கவே
பல வருசம் கிடக்கையில
பாவை உன் முகம் மறக்க
எத்தனை ஜென்மம் நான் எடுக்க
மறக்கத்தான் சொன்னாயா

மறந்துவிட சொன்னாயா
என்ற காரணத்தை கேக்கவே
பேசாமல் போய்விட்டாய்

கிறுக்கன் நான்
காதலை சொல்லி சொல்லி
கவிதையே செத்துடிச்சு

உன் பெயரை மறந்தேனென
துணிவாய் நான் சொல்ல
நினைத்தாலும் என் பேனா
எனோ உன்பெயரை
எழுதி தொலைக்கிறது

விட்டுபோகாதே விட்டுபோகாதே
என உன் கால் பிடிச்சு கெஞ்சியும்
உன் படம் மட்டும் பார்த்தவன்தான்
பெரிதிண்ணு பார்க்காம போனாயடி

ஒரு பானை சோத்துக்கு
ஒரு சோறு போதுமடி

ஒட்டுமொத்த பெண்களையும்
உன்னில் பார்த்ததால்- உன்னால்
உன்னால்த்தானடி
பெண்களை வெறுத்தேன்

உனக்காய் எழுத நினைத்தால்
வார்த்தை வர மறுக்கிறது

இறுதியாய் ஒன்று

என் கவிதைகள் அழிந்தாலும்
என் காதல் பொய்யானாலும்
உன்னை நினைத்தே
என் உருவம் சிதைந்தாலும்

உன்னால் நான் அடைந்த
அனுபவங்கள் அனைத்தும்
என் உயிரின் ஆணி வேரில்
என்றும் எழுதி இருக்கும்

கடைசியாய் ஒன்று

என் கவிதைகளை
எங்கு கண்டாலும்
கண்ணீரை துடைத்து விடு
by யாழ்_அகத்தியன்

for the last few days i have been reading poems about love. this guy is good. i am useless at writing poems. When I read the above peom, I cried. I feel like it is abou me.
This is the link to the original post.

Fucked up Life in a nut shell

Although I go online almost everyday, I only check my email account. Even that is to check whether Suryan has emailed me. I know it is never going to happen. But deep down every day I think to my self “what if”, so I check my emails.
Anyway I am starting to like my new life style. No need to get up in the morning, No need to go to work in the morning, No need to cook, No need worry about family problems, No need to wash/iron my clothes…..so the list goes on.
I hardly go out of my room. A small room with one bed, a small box for clothes and my laptop.
This is luxury for me. Although the bed time tears are still there, I am slowly recovering.
But the pain wont go away…but atleast I don’t have anything to do but to sleep…..
Sometimes I feel like I am living a fucked up life, but then again I deserve all these.

My bank is screwed…atlast

I took a loan out in December for my parents, although I knew I wasnt going to pay. I took a loan because if I die i dont want my parents to suffer. When I applied, my bank wanted me to take the loan protection scheme. So if I lose my job or if I die then they would pay the loan for me. It is a kind of insurance for the bank so that they can claim from their insurers if I failed to pay. Because I had to pay 40 pounds for a month extra, I got only the loan without payment protection.

Anyway now as I lost my job and can’t find a job with my disability, I couldn’t pay my monthly payments from January. Not because I don’t want to, but because I don’t have the money to pay. My bank account is over drawn. I had so many letters from the bank asking for the payment, I didn’t even bother to reply or even sometimes i dont even open any letters. As I don’t answer too many calls they left so many messages on my mobile as well asking me to pay.
And in the end they came around yesterday to talk to me.
The reason I am so happy is that in the past when I had missed a payment or two or even late on payments on my previous loan, they charged me lot of money as late payment charges etc.
Now they can’t do anything as I don’t have an income. They were trying to scare me by saying that I might be put in prison for not paying. I said I don’t give a shit.
They are going to refer to the debt collection agency. Fuck them, I don’t care and they can do what ever they want to do.
I have heard so many stories about banks ripping people off, as an individual, you cant fight against the banks. So they make all the rules. Now at least they are getting screwed for a change.

Loneliness

I feel like I want to kill somebody today. I get so angry these days and I hate talking or seeing anyone. I am so angry with my Suryan, Parents and God. More than anyone I am fucking mad at me. I just feels like lost somewhere in a remote island and every one I loved betrayed me.
I know deep down that I feel like this as my loneliness catching up with me. I feel so lonely and want someone to be around me. At the same time half of myself is so angry with others and don’t want to see another human face.
You might have lots of people around you and still feels lonely and sometimes you might not have anyone at all and feels good and not lonely.
Sometimes I just stare at my mobile hoping someone to call me. These days only people who calls me are those tells me that they are my friends and for some favour. Instead of asking how I am and where I am they call to ask something. Few days back a guy who I consider a good friend, called me after about 5 months and first thing he asked me is money. He said he has a problem and needs to go to Sri Lanka so he needs some money. He did not even ask how I was just for a courtesy.
I know I have decided not to speak to anyone. But to be honest, daily I get up hoping my parents would call me or I get an email from Suryan just say hello.
Before all this I used to joke with people that it would be nice to get money from the government and stay at home. I was so lazy and thought it would be the ideal world, where you don’t need to work and you can sleep 24/7. Now I got my wish.
But when you don’t have work and do nothing 24/7 and no one to just to talk, it is hard.
All I do is dwelling on the past. Someone said that you can live without food for so many days and live without water for so many days, but without hope you can’t live for much longer.
I know I am a fucking selfish cow and deserve all these for what I have done to my parents and Suryan.
I am a fucking selfish idiot with no love to others.

Disability……..what disability….

Life sucks these days. Cant even bothered to switch the laptop on and come online these days. I saw someone today, so I felt like writing something about her. I met this lady today in the hospital. She is an Asian lady in her late 30 or early 40. She has lost her fingers and toes while giving birth to her daughter years back. I mean she hasn’t totally lost the fingers and toes but they are very small. She said she had arthritis and after birth she lost so much blood and the fingers and toes started shrinking and lost power. Now those are very tiny and powerless.At first I thought she was born like that.
The reason I am trying to explain is that I want to make a picture of what I saw.
So I started talking to her and she said at one point that she will give me a lift to my place and I agreed for a lift.
When we walked back to the car park I was expecting her husband in the car. But I was shocked when she got into the car driving seat. I could not speak for few minutes in total shock. Anyway once I started talking I asked about her life. She had done this and come up in her life the hard way. She works for the county council as an adviser for family benefits.
When I saw her first I though she would be living inside the house and doing nothing and expecting help from others for everything. But I was wrong. She was totally independent woman. I liked her so much as she talks very straight, I mean very straight and for her courage.
When I see disable people I pity sometimes, but they can do what everyone else does as well. All you want is the confident and trust yourself and have faith in you.
While she was driving (automatic car), she got her handfree kit and she was on the phone to her daughter asking her to wait outside the school for few more minutes so she can pick her up. Then she called her husband to organize something else. I was amazed to see her in total control. One more thing, she drives like mad. I mean very fast but not too dangerous.
The reason I wanted to write this is because I have seen many people who have always have an excuse.
People used to say that if god takes something away (like blind or deaf or dumb) from you, he will give something else. But I disagree with that as I don’t believe in god anymore. But that is possible because of their courage.

Dont Deserve My Life

Sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve to live. I don’t know why I have turned into this cruel person. I am going to change myself. I spoke to Suryan one last time. I mean I hurt her one more time. I don’t know why I sent this stupid blog address to her. I was going to delete the blog but I am not going to. I want to live happily and make her happy.
But no one, I mean no one in this world is going to forgive me. But I am not going to blame anyone for hating me. As if it was me I would have done the same.
So sorry

Suicide is selfish

I called my next door friend in Sri Lanka to ask about my parents. And he told me one of my best friend's mother had passed away last week. Coincidence or what. My best friend killed himself about 16 years ago.
This happened in 1991, I didn’t even go to the first day of his funeral, as I was so angry with him. He was in love with this girl for 3 years and one day she got married to another guy because her parents’ emotionally blackmailed her. And he could not cope with the fact that he lost her forever. I haven’t spoken about this with anyone for long time as it hurts so much.
The day before he killed himself, I was with him for the whole day trying to console him. He was inconsolable. I was so angry with her and I told him that if she had loved you that much she wouldn’t have done this to him.
There is no excuse for what he did. But if she knows that her parents are going to be against all this love, she shouldn’t have involved him. I know most of the people just turn their leaf over the next month or next day. But not every one can cope with that.
When I left him that night, I was convinced that I have talked some sense into him, and knew little that I will have to go to the mortuary to see him next morning.
At that time, and even until last year, I really did not know the real pain of love. And how much, it can hurt you. I never forgave him for what he did, leaving his parents and friends like that. I thought that is very selfish to do that.
I still think that killing yourself is the most selfish thing that one person can do. But now after all these years, I know why he did that and I no longer hate him for what he did. Because when I took those sleeping tablets myself in December, I did the same mistake and felt the same as he did. Only different being that I survived and he didn’t.
Just before Christmas, I lost my job and My parents stopped talking to me when I told them that I love my Suryan and can’t marry anyone and I lied to them that I got married to her. Even my father being a typical father told me not to come home ever. I asked my Suryan to call me or email me, but she didn’t. When I called her and asked why she did not speak to me properly she said that she stopped talking with everyone. So thought no one cares and i miss her so much and decided to kill myself. I called my Suryan that day, she did even care. I told her that I will die because she did not trust me. Then she told me something that made me call 999 for an ambulance.

One thing is for sure that once you have survived the attempt of killing your self, the chances of trying again, is very small. Because, now I don’t have the courage and the strength to, do it again.
When I took the tablets, I was so weak and I had a fit while they were taking me to the hospital. Because of the fit, I lost one of my legs. Initially one half of my body was paralysed. And after I regained consciousness, I was told that I have a temporary paralyse. My one whole side with one arm and leg was numb. But the next day I got my arm back but not the leg. I have been asked to go and see physiotherapist 2 days a week. But I don’t go. Because I think I want to live like this, as it reminded me of what things I have done wrong and I deserve it

When I was told about the paralyse, I didn’t even think and worry. I wanted to speak to my Suryan and my mum. I called my mum and she was so angry with me, she did not talk to me and told me that she was busy. I didn’t tell her that I was in the hospital. I did not want to know her.
When I regained consciousness, they gave me my mobile and I thought she would have rung me few times because she knew I had gone to the hospital. But no messages. I called her to say I am ok. But she was too busy to even talk to me.

I think the reason I survived with one leg is to suffer for what I have done. I have hurt so many people in the last year with my selfish life. So it’s my turn to suffer.

Taking advantage of a person

I am looking for a job for a while now. Actually I don’t want to go and work, but the disable allowance I get from the council is not enough for the rent. Last few weeks I didn’t even have money to buy a loaf of bread. Today while I was in this Indian shop, the guy at the counter started talking to me because I was crippled. I couldn’t open the door with the clutches so he opened the door and started talking. He asked me what happened and I told him that I had a fall blah blah. This is one of the reasons I don’t like going anywhere, people ask lots of question and look at me in a weird way.

One point he asked me where I work and I told him that I am desperately looking for work and I would do anything. He offered me a job at the counter. I was pleasantly shocked. And he said only 4 hours every morning. So I agreed as its something. As I started praising his good character in my mind, he dropped a big bombshell. He said he can pay me only 3 pounds per hour. Minimum wages in this country is almost 6 pounds. Even at this point I thought what the hell; then I was going to say yes. Then seeing me thinking, he said that I can’t get work with one leg and he is just helping.
I was so angry. How can people take advantage of people like me? Yes it is difficult to get a job with my disability. But the way he said that made me very angry.
I told him that I will think about it and let him know. I was going to tell him off, but I was no mood to fight and argue these days. I am not going to go there again. But now, I think I should have said yes. Because I don’t think I can get a job easily and I am running out of time and money. Unless I manage to sell my car this week, I will not have money next week for my rent.
Just before Christmas I had a job and got paid about £10/hour and now I have to beg guys like this for 3 pounds. I never knew life can change this much in a short period.
I must have done something terrible in my previous life, if I had one. Although I don’t have a job it doesn’t hurt me or upset me. This is nothing compared to losing my Suryan and my parents.
The pain is unbearable.

So Sorry

My life is now in slow motion. Life doesn’t move on and painfully slow. And most of the time, I sleep and whenever I get up, the past comes back to bug me and hug me.
Last few days I haven't seen anybody at all. The guy, who lives in the same house, has gone somewhere and I haven't gone out. I feel so miserable, but I can’t help it. I get so angry when someone talks to me. I wanted to go out atleast to the shop. But when I get up within minutes I will somehow remember my Suryan. So many memories of her, wherever I look, whatever I do, something will remind me of her. I love the memories but I am slowly getting used to the fact that she will never be with me again, but only her memories.
I so wanted to hear my Suryan’s voice and my mum’s voice this week. I called my mum few days ago but did not talk to her. She said heloo few times and asked who it is. I wanted to say hi, but I was worried that if she had not answered and put the phone down when I say hi, I couldn’t have taken it. It’s been 2 months since I have spoken to my parents and sisters.

I have'nt heard my Suryan’s voice since 12th of January. When I spoke to her that day I said I will not disturb her again. And I asked her to email me atleast once a month as a friend. When I called her this week I didn't talk to her because I don’t want to disturb her. She said helo few times and put the phone down. It’s so nice to hear the voice of her.
I wanted to tell her how I felt and how I feel now. Every time I called her in the past, I wouldn’t talk to her properly as I would start crying.
I posted a letter yesterday. Now I wish I didn’t. I explained that I still love her and I can’t get married for her and said sorry for hurting her so much.

When she got married, she wanted me to get married. She cares and loves me so much. I said yes, because I wanted her to be happy. Because her parents forced her into the marriage. So she wanted me to be happy so I agreed. But then I couldn’t do it and want her back. So she got angry with me and stopped talking to me properly. I tried to get over her feelings and marry someone for her. But I couldn’t do it. From the time I said I loved her, she is my wife and life.Thats how I felt and feel. Now I can’t change that feeling. So she stopped talking to me properly. I have hurt her so much.

I should have walked out of her life when she got married. But instead I made her life miserable and hurt her so much by talking to her and asking her to come back. I don’t blame her for not talking to me.
But for some reason I want her in my life atleast as a friend. I am sure she will understand why I couldn’t marry. Oneday she will understand and email me or come to this blog to say hi. I dont know asking her to be my friend is the right thing. but I cant stop talking to her.
Because I can’t do what she asks me to do, that doesn’t mean that I don’t love her. If I get married for my parents and my suryan, I have to live with the girl but with my suryan in my heart. That’s not fair on that girl.

I love her too much and have too many memories. She will understand. My parents won’t understand.
Parents and my suryan want me to get married and be happy and make them happy. But both of them don’t realise that I have a heart and feelings too.
I deserve all these because; I have hurt 3 people who I loved the most. My Suryan and my parents.
I am so sorry.

Looking for a job…

I spent whole day reading all the text messages my suryan sent me long time ago. Although it hurts when reading some of the text messages, deep down I feel happy, because she loved me more than anyone in her life. My feelings and mood swings so much these days. One minute I am so down then the next minute I want to live a normal life with her memories. But every where I turn I have her memories. So I am not alone. She has not left me alone, but with her lovely memories.

Saturday I spent most of the time walking with my clutches, all around the town centre to find a job. I went to few job agencies to look for jobs. But as soon as people see me with one leg, they would make their mind up that there is nothing suitable for me to do. It’s very difficult to convince them after that. But then again, I don’t blame them as even I know I can’t do much work. Because I lost my leg only a month ago and I have not mastered the art of using clutches without losing my balance. I tell you one thing though, using of clutches is bloody hard.
I finaly got the letter from the council for my permanent disable allowance. When I got the letter I cried for two reasons. One, that I am happy now I will have some sort of money coming in and second, I never thought even in my wildest dreams that I will be relying on the allowance to get my life going. But that’s life isnt it. You will have, all your life well planned and something else will happen to ruin everything.
I still have to get a job, as that will be not enough to pay the rent. As I am partial disable I get only a small amount for a week. I have not paid my rent for weeks now, but my landlord is a very understanding guy. But that’s not an excuse for not paying.
I am selling my car this week. I can’t drive the car with one leg, so I thought of selling it and paying my outstanding rent.
Sunday slept the whole day, as I didn’t want to get up. Even today I only got up twice. I so wanted to call her today to hear my suryan’s voice. My if I call her I will end up hurting her. I even dialled the number. I want to tell her few things so I wrote a letter which I am going to post it to her office.
Tc

Broken Heart....

Love is not for weaker hearts

Even I think sometimes why I am doing this and I am like this. But I have tried so much and I can’t stop thinking of her. When I think of it, it’s because of the love I had for her.
I never though, I will be this much hurt, in my life at any point. One thing I learned from this is Love is not for weaker hearts. I always thought I can cope with anything emotionally. I thought I am a tough guy. But painfully I found out that I am the weakest of all. Sometimes when I think of her and the thought of my future without her and my family tears come rolling down the cheeks. I can’t even control it.

I fell in love at the age of 28 and it is not just a school boy crush or college infatuation. And when the person you love the most vanishes from your life. It hurts. And it breaks your heart forever. Heart is like a piece of glass and once broken it will never be the same thing again.
I have read about that life goes on; time is a great healer; blah blah. This is bullshit. If you are in real love and if you don’t get that person life will not be the same again. Life goes on. Yes I know. But the pain does not go away. It’s been almost 8 months since I lost her. So don’t give that bullshit about the time will make me happy.
I am not going to try and kill myself again. That’s because I don’t have the courage for that. And I want to live and prove my parents wrong.
She can tell me to get married but it’s not that easy. For others it’s just a love. But for me from the day I told her I love her she is my wife. In my heart. And I felt I was married. So I don’t want to get married again.
Because in everything I do, I see her and remember her. And If I get married again, it is not fair on the girl I am marrying to. My Suryan might hate me now for not getting married. As she wants me to be happy. But it’s not that easy.
My heart and my feelings and my Love are not a electronic item where you can pull the plug and switch off.
So she might hate me now. But one day she will understand why I could marry anyone. Because if I had got married to someone, she would have done the same. Now she won’t understand because she loved me so much and now she hates to see me getting hurt.
But it’s too late.

How can they do this to me

As my parents or my sisters don’t speak to me, I have to rely on my neighbor friend to get information about them. I don’t want to ring them as I have not done anything wrong. But I love everyone so I want to know. I used to call 3 or 4 times a week.
Today I called my friend and almost cried. But I didn’t want to show that to him so put the phone down. I have to call him back. The reason is my niece has come of age this month. He told me. My elder sister’s daughter. How can they not tell me that? How can they do that to me? She is my little baby. When she was born and the first few years I was there and she was my little favorite.
Parents and family has to love me and back me up. If they don’t when the gets going tough then the love is fake.
I have never ever hurt anyone intentionally. But people who do are always happy.
Now i know how much they hate me. I am not going to call them again.
I felt like i have to die today. But I don’t have the courage anymore to do that.

I Miss Them

Days are going very slow. When you don’t do anything, it’s so difficult to stop thinking about the past. And specialy when you don’t have anything next day and in future to look forward to, the day goes very slowly and the nights become impossible.
I miss them so much. I am a very family person. Now it’s been almost more than 2 months since I have spoken to my parents or my sisters. And I spoke to my Suryan on the 12 of January. I miss her so much and so want to talk to her.But when I spoke last time I said to her that I will not talk to her anymore as I don’t want to disturb her life. But I want to talk to her but she will be very angry with me. And I don’t want to make her sad. She deserves a very beautiful life.
I made my parents upset and angry and I asked not to talk to me unless they accept me as me…not whom they want me to be.
It is so painfull when the people you love the most hurts you. That’s the most painful a person can go thru in their life.

Equal Opportunity..........

I wasn’t in the mood to write anything for last few days. Last two days I tried every where to get a job. Everyone says that disability is not a problem and they are equal opportunity employer. Yes true. But people who works there have a problem with people like me. I went everywhere to log for a job. As I am walking with clutches I know its not easy to work. But some of the jobs I went today, its all desk based jobs. But As soon as they see me with clutches, they assume that I cant work. I almost cried today in front of a lady when she said they cant take me because of my leg. I begged her for a job with out any success.

I went to the council to register myslef as a disable person so I will get money weekly. I dont want to do that. but i dont have money anymore.

My house owner kindly said that he does not need his rent for the room until i get a job.

The strange thing is that it is very painful to have lost a leg and feeling helpful at times. Even to do the exercise for my leg, I dont have anybody. But it doesnt bother me. I am not sad losing my leg. But as soon as i think of my suryan it is so painful inside.

I cant control myself........

I deserve all these........for hurting my suryan so much.

Why Cant I Forget

I don’t know why this happened to me. Why my Suryan did this to me. Why I have lost everything. I know one year is a long time, I didn’t realise it will change forever. I had everything last April when I was wishing for her birthday, this year nothing. I don’t have anything.
Why can’t I forget her? Everytime I think of her I can’t stop crying. I can’t control myself and the tears just pours down the face. I logged in just so I can dish out all my sadness into this blog.
Whenever I go to sleep I will end up crying. I try hard not to, but I can’t. I love her so much that I can’t think of anything else. As I dont go out of my room its hard. I know she has not done anything wrong. Anyone would have done the same thing. But still I can’t stop myself from thinking about her. I know I don’t have the right to think about her anymore, but I can’t stop myself. I have so many memories that it does not go away.
In my heart I had married her and she is my wife. Now she is dead, that’s what I think to myself. I got all her emails, all the sms she sent me and her picture in my room. Thats enough for me.
People might say that I lived only 2 days with her, but that’s enough for me.
But I would like her to talk to me as a friend atleast.
I know I am wrong, but if loving her and living with her memories is wrong then I don’t want to be right.

I have lived almost a year now and I will forever. I would have done the same thing if I had married her and if she had died in few months. So I can do the same thing. I dont want anybody my parents or friends or family.

Life After Death

I don't know why I started this blog. I did have a blog for more than a year but last May I deleted the blog.

The main reason I am starting to write is I am scared and lonely. I don't have a Internet connection in my room but my laptop picks up wireless connection from nearby industrial area.

So when that goes I might not blog.

As the heading suggests, this is my second life. I did take sleeping tablets last month and survived. But because I was so weak I had a fit and had a fall. That made one of my legs paralyzed. They say it might come back but they have asked me to do some exercises. Still want s to die but i don't have the courage to do anything.

I don't have anybody to talk to these days and its very hard living alone. When I don't have anything to do I think about what happened and will end up crying. So I just wants to write whatever I think so I feel better. People will think that I need sympathy. But its not.

As whoever reads this will not know me so I can say whatever I want. I don't want your sympathy. I used to live with lots of people and now it is very hard living alone.

I am looking for jobs, but it is very hard to get one with one leg. I am getting disable allowance until i find a job.

As you might have guessed by now that I fell in love with a girl and now I have lost her. I want to tell her this website address so she can come and leave a comment just to say how she is doing.

She might not email me or remember my email address but when i tell her this website address she will remember. Because I want her to tell about her and her life. If she comes one day to this site.

Last year this time I had my parents, sisters and my lovely girl friend actually my wife.

now My parents don't talk to me and i have lost her for good. I don't know which one hurts more.

You might think why I am lonely. I lost my job last month. They sacked me. Actually I cant blame my boss. He is a very good man. I took so many days off and made so many mistakes. He did warn me. But i could not help it. It just happened.

I know i am doing so many wrong things and I know i am hurting so many people, but nobody understands me.

I don't have a heart and I have no mercy for others and I am a selfish pig.

I will not read your blogs and comment or reply to your comments. Don't think I am rude but I cant be bothered. I might do..i dont know.

Still trying to think why everything happened to me........

probably you guys think I am a loser and taking all these too far.........trust me I trying not to.

Finding out the hard way how Love hurts....