Friday, 8 February 2008

Praying God

I have lost faith in God some time ago now. But everyday when I go to sleep just before I fall asleep, I pray for one last thing. I just want to go to sleep and never getup. Even that I dont pray, i guess i just beg from someone up there. If there is God, then i just want to die alone in my bed. The pain i go through is unbearable. I wish I have the guts to just kill myself and be done with it. Honestly I dont know what I have done so bad, that i have been destined to go thru this. Atleast God could have made her happy. Last time i got an email, from her, she wrote something about a operation. Why cant you leave her alone and make her happy.
I cant even stand the fact that i have lost her. Now she is goig through more pain.
Who ever up there...I am begging you to make her happy and make all her dreams come true........
I wish and beg and pray for me not to get up tomorrow morning.
If that happens ..I believe you God again......
Please take me back......

Sunday, 6 January 2008

Last wish

Even if you are about to get killed you will get a last wish. Every one in this world gets a chance to explain themselves or even second chance for the lucky ones. I feel like I have been robed of my life, without even telling me. One day I am in love and the whole world is with me and she has been promising that she cant live without me, the next day she is telling me that she got married because of my her parents.
There is nothing in this world can explain how my heart felt. I mean nothing.
When you love someone so much and trust them more than your own life…the last thing you expect from them is to break my heart. Just imagine if the mother you love so much, hurts you, then nothing can put you back.
I loved her more than my life and nothing can make me feel better. She could come up with 1000 reasons why she did this to me. But nothing is going to give my life back. And wash my pain away. I am sure she would have had options and could have decided my way. She would have thought, she is doing the right thing and she thought about her self and her family.
Because in everyone’s mind, that as a boy I can just switch my feelings and look at another girl. The truth is that my mind and heart is not a computer where you can switch off when you have finished with it. It doesn’t work that way. People might think I am over reacting. May be or maybe not. All I know is how hard for me to pass even a single day.
Why…………….I ask myself every second, every minute or every hour…I did not even have a small opportunity to fight for my life…..
Why did I deserve….
What have I done so wrong in my life to have my life completely taken away……….

Wednesday, 2 January 2008

I Need Someone To Talk.....

After long time… I am starting to write again…Wish you a happy new year to anyone who cares to read…
It’s my birthday yesterday…and of course new year…guess where and what I was doing when the year was born. I was in my bed, crying my eyes out looking at couple of pictures. Only phone call I had was from one of my long-term friend from Malaysia, who I have not even met. Anyway she remembered my birthday and called to wish me and tell the good news that she is getting married.
I was happy for her and I tried my best to be normal and not to cry on her…but when she asked about my family and my big day. I could not help myself but cry…I could not control myself.
I feel bad for her for putting everything on her on new years day. But I have not spoken to anyone for long time. And I have not spoken to anyone about my love failure and my other problems.
Its been more than 2 years that I lost her. But I fell like yesterday. People might say, I am mad and over reacting. May be, but for me you can only fall in love once and with one person.
Hardest part of my life is living alone. The loneliness just amplify my feelings and the loss of her. All the old memories go thru my mind over and over again.
Some times you would feel alone when you have 100s of people around you and then sometimes you would feel like you are happy and with lots of people, when you are alone. But for me I am alone and feeling alone.
People say without hope its very hard to survive. That is true. Most of the night I am wide-awake and cant sleep. Memories of past would keep bugging me all the through the night. Some good and some bad. Sometimes even though I am very sleepy I wouldn’t close my eyes bcos I am scared of the memories and dreams that will go thru my head.
Not a single night passes through without my eyes filling with water. People go to sleep hoping everything would be ok and have their own dreams. But for me I have nothing to look forward to the next day. I just go to bed hoping never to get up.
The worst part of my life is that, because I don’t have anything to do in my life right now, It’s very difficult to divert my mind from the pain I go through. But then again even If I divert my mind, it’s not permanent.
My friend asked me to write the blog again. She made me promise. I am doing this for me and for her as…she is the only one who cared to call me to wish New Year.
So sister I will write in this blog all my feeling from today. But I must tell you, now I would probably cry and think about my girl friend more…..because she is my life.
Take care

Tuesday, 29 May 2007

Want to kill myself

I just want to kill myself. But i dont have the courage anymore...
I dont know why I live anymore. my life sucks...
getting up....eating a bun at about 11 in the morning and sleeping until about 4 and eating bread or cornflakes...and going to bed ...
I might as well just die in the one is going to even notice ..until ofcourse my body starts smelling...
Have had enough of crying and sleeping ..
why did this happen to me ...
why did she do this to me ...

Wednesday, 25 April 2007

Birthday Wishes

Wish you a happy birthday
to my friend

Sunday, 1 April 2007

கண்ணீரால் ஒரு கவிதை!

கண்ணீர் கன்னம் நனைக்க
காதல் கால் நனைக்க
கனவின்றி கண்சிவந்து
கவிதையோடு தவம் கிடக்கிறேன்

ஒரு நாள் மறையவே
ஒரு ஜென்மம் போகுதடி
மறு நாள் வராமல் போகுமென்றே
மரணத்துக்காய் காத்திருக்கிறேன்

என் காதலும் என் கண்ணிரும்
என்னை நனைத்தே அழுக்காக்க
இன்னும் நீ மாறவில்லை

பழகிய நாட்களை மறக்கவே
பல வருசம் கிடக்கையில
பாவை உன் முகம் மறக்க
எத்தனை ஜென்மம் நான் எடுக்க
மறக்கத்தான் சொன்னாயா

மறந்துவிட சொன்னாயா
என்ற காரணத்தை கேக்கவே
பேசாமல் போய்விட்டாய்

கிறுக்கன் நான்
காதலை சொல்லி சொல்லி
கவிதையே செத்துடிச்சு

உன் பெயரை மறந்தேனென
துணிவாய் நான் சொல்ல
நினைத்தாலும் என் பேனா
எனோ உன்பெயரை
எழுதி தொலைக்கிறது

விட்டுபோகாதே விட்டுபோகாதே
என உன் கால் பிடிச்சு கெஞ்சியும்
உன் படம் மட்டும் பார்த்தவன்தான்
பெரிதிண்ணு பார்க்காம போனாயடி

ஒரு பானை சோத்துக்கு
ஒரு சோறு போதுமடி

ஒட்டுமொத்த பெண்களையும்
உன்னில் பார்த்ததால்- உன்னால்
பெண்களை வெறுத்தேன்

உனக்காய் எழுத நினைத்தால்
வார்த்தை வர மறுக்கிறது

இறுதியாய் ஒன்று

என் கவிதைகள் அழிந்தாலும்
என் காதல் பொய்யானாலும்
உன்னை நினைத்தே
என் உருவம் சிதைந்தாலும்

உன்னால் நான் அடைந்த
அனுபவங்கள் அனைத்தும்
என் உயிரின் ஆணி வேரில்
என்றும் எழுதி இருக்கும்

கடைசியாய் ஒன்று

என் கவிதைகளை
எங்கு கண்டாலும்
கண்ணீரை துடைத்து விடு
by யாழ்_அகத்தியன்

for the last few days i have been reading poems about love. this guy is good. i am useless at writing poems. When I read the above peom, I cried. I feel like it is abou me.
This is the link to the original post.

Sunday, 25 March 2007

Fucked up Life in a nut shell

Although I go online almost everyday, I only check my email account. Even that is to check whether Suryan has emailed me. I know it is never going to happen. But deep down every day I think to my self “what if”, so I check my emails.
Anyway I am starting to like my new life style. No need to get up in the morning, No need to go to work in the morning, No need to cook, No need worry about family problems, No need to wash/iron my clothes… the list goes on.
I hardly go out of my room. A small room with one bed, a small box for clothes and my laptop.
This is luxury for me. Although the bed time tears are still there, I am slowly recovering.
But the pain wont go away…but atleast I don’t have anything to do but to sleep…..
Sometimes I feel like I am living a fucked up life, but then again I deserve all these.