Although I go online almost everyday, I only check my email account. Even that is to check whether Suryan has emailed me. I know it is never going to happen. But deep down every day I think to my self “what if”, so I check my emails.
Anyway I am starting to like my new life style. No need to get up in the morning, No need to go to work in the morning, No need to cook, No need worry about family problems, No need to wash/iron my clothes…..so the list goes on.
I hardly go out of my room. A small room with one bed, a small box for clothes and my laptop.
This is luxury for me. Although the bed time tears are still there, I am slowly recovering.
But the pain wont go away…but atleast I don’t have anything to do but to sleep…..
Sometimes I feel like I am living a fucked up life, but then again I deserve all these.
Sunday 25 March 2007
Tuesday 13 March 2007
My bank is screwed…atlast
I took a loan out in December for my parents, although I knew I wasnt going to pay. I took a loan because if I die i dont want my parents to suffer. When I applied, my bank wanted me to take the loan protection scheme. So if I lose my job or if I die then they would pay the loan for me. It is a kind of insurance for the bank so that they can claim from their insurers if I failed to pay. Because I had to pay 40 pounds for a month extra, I got only the loan without payment protection.
Anyway now as I lost my job and can’t find a job with my disability, I couldn’t pay my monthly payments from January. Not because I don’t want to, but because I don’t have the money to pay. My bank account is over drawn. I had so many letters from the bank asking for the payment, I didn’t even bother to reply or even sometimes i dont even open any letters. As I don’t answer too many calls they left so many messages on my mobile as well asking me to pay.
And in the end they came around yesterday to talk to me.
The reason I am so happy is that in the past when I had missed a payment or two or even late on payments on my previous loan, they charged me lot of money as late payment charges etc.
Now they can’t do anything as I don’t have an income. They were trying to scare me by saying that I might be put in prison for not paying. I said I don’t give a shit.
They are going to refer to the debt collection agency. Fuck them, I don’t care and they can do what ever they want to do.
I have heard so many stories about banks ripping people off, as an individual, you cant fight against the banks. So they make all the rules. Now at least they are getting screwed for a change.
Anyway now as I lost my job and can’t find a job with my disability, I couldn’t pay my monthly payments from January. Not because I don’t want to, but because I don’t have the money to pay. My bank account is over drawn. I had so many letters from the bank asking for the payment, I didn’t even bother to reply or even sometimes i dont even open any letters. As I don’t answer too many calls they left so many messages on my mobile as well asking me to pay.
And in the end they came around yesterday to talk to me.
The reason I am so happy is that in the past when I had missed a payment or two or even late on payments on my previous loan, they charged me lot of money as late payment charges etc.
Now they can’t do anything as I don’t have an income. They were trying to scare me by saying that I might be put in prison for not paying. I said I don’t give a shit.
They are going to refer to the debt collection agency. Fuck them, I don’t care and they can do what ever they want to do.
I have heard so many stories about banks ripping people off, as an individual, you cant fight against the banks. So they make all the rules. Now at least they are getting screwed for a change.
Saturday 10 March 2007
Loneliness
I feel like I want to kill somebody today. I get so angry these days and I hate talking or seeing anyone. I am so angry with my Suryan, Parents and God. More than anyone I am fucking mad at me. I just feels like lost somewhere in a remote island and every one I loved betrayed me.
I know deep down that I feel like this as my loneliness catching up with me. I feel so lonely and want someone to be around me. At the same time half of myself is so angry with others and don’t want to see another human face.
You might have lots of people around you and still feels lonely and sometimes you might not have anyone at all and feels good and not lonely.
Sometimes I just stare at my mobile hoping someone to call me. These days only people who calls me are those tells me that they are my friends and for some favour. Instead of asking how I am and where I am they call to ask something. Few days back a guy who I consider a good friend, called me after about 5 months and first thing he asked me is money. He said he has a problem and needs to go to Sri Lanka so he needs some money. He did not even ask how I was just for a courtesy.
I know I have decided not to speak to anyone. But to be honest, daily I get up hoping my parents would call me or I get an email from Suryan just say hello.
Before all this I used to joke with people that it would be nice to get money from the government and stay at home. I was so lazy and thought it would be the ideal world, where you don’t need to work and you can sleep 24/7. Now I got my wish.
But when you don’t have work and do nothing 24/7 and no one to just to talk, it is hard.
All I do is dwelling on the past. Someone said that you can live without food for so many days and live without water for so many days, but without hope you can’t live for much longer.
I know I am a fucking selfish cow and deserve all these for what I have done to my parents and Suryan.
I am a fucking selfish idiot with no love to others.
I know deep down that I feel like this as my loneliness catching up with me. I feel so lonely and want someone to be around me. At the same time half of myself is so angry with others and don’t want to see another human face.
You might have lots of people around you and still feels lonely and sometimes you might not have anyone at all and feels good and not lonely.
Sometimes I just stare at my mobile hoping someone to call me. These days only people who calls me are those tells me that they are my friends and for some favour. Instead of asking how I am and where I am they call to ask something. Few days back a guy who I consider a good friend, called me after about 5 months and first thing he asked me is money. He said he has a problem and needs to go to Sri Lanka so he needs some money. He did not even ask how I was just for a courtesy.
I know I have decided not to speak to anyone. But to be honest, daily I get up hoping my parents would call me or I get an email from Suryan just say hello.
Before all this I used to joke with people that it would be nice to get money from the government and stay at home. I was so lazy and thought it would be the ideal world, where you don’t need to work and you can sleep 24/7. Now I got my wish.
But when you don’t have work and do nothing 24/7 and no one to just to talk, it is hard.
All I do is dwelling on the past. Someone said that you can live without food for so many days and live without water for so many days, but without hope you can’t live for much longer.
I know I am a fucking selfish cow and deserve all these for what I have done to my parents and Suryan.
I am a fucking selfish idiot with no love to others.
Friday 2 March 2007
Disability……..what disability….
Life sucks these days. Cant even bothered to switch the laptop on and come online these days. I saw someone today, so I felt like writing something about her. I met this lady today in the hospital. She is an Asian lady in her late 30 or early 40. She has lost her fingers and toes while giving birth to her daughter years back. I mean she hasn’t totally lost the fingers and toes but they are very small. She said she had arthritis and after birth she lost so much blood and the fingers and toes started shrinking and lost power. Now those are very tiny and powerless.At first I thought she was born like that.
The reason I am trying to explain is that I want to make a picture of what I saw.
So I started talking to her and she said at one point that she will give me a lift to my place and I agreed for a lift.
When we walked back to the car park I was expecting her husband in the car. But I was shocked when she got into the car driving seat. I could not speak for few minutes in total shock. Anyway once I started talking I asked about her life. She had done this and come up in her life the hard way. She works for the county council as an adviser for family benefits.
When I saw her first I though she would be living inside the house and doing nothing and expecting help from others for everything. But I was wrong. She was totally independent woman. I liked her so much as she talks very straight, I mean very straight and for her courage.
When I see disable people I pity sometimes, but they can do what everyone else does as well. All you want is the confident and trust yourself and have faith in you.
While she was driving (automatic car), she got her handfree kit and she was on the phone to her daughter asking her to wait outside the school for few more minutes so she can pick her up. Then she called her husband to organize something else. I was amazed to see her in total control. One more thing, she drives like mad. I mean very fast but not too dangerous.
The reason I wanted to write this is because I have seen many people who have always have an excuse.
People used to say that if god takes something away (like blind or deaf or dumb) from you, he will give something else. But I disagree with that as I don’t believe in god anymore. But that is possible because of their courage.
The reason I am trying to explain is that I want to make a picture of what I saw.
So I started talking to her and she said at one point that she will give me a lift to my place and I agreed for a lift.
When we walked back to the car park I was expecting her husband in the car. But I was shocked when she got into the car driving seat. I could not speak for few minutes in total shock. Anyway once I started talking I asked about her life. She had done this and come up in her life the hard way. She works for the county council as an adviser for family benefits.
When I saw her first I though she would be living inside the house and doing nothing and expecting help from others for everything. But I was wrong. She was totally independent woman. I liked her so much as she talks very straight, I mean very straight and for her courage.
When I see disable people I pity sometimes, but they can do what everyone else does as well. All you want is the confident and trust yourself and have faith in you.
While she was driving (automatic car), she got her handfree kit and she was on the phone to her daughter asking her to wait outside the school for few more minutes so she can pick her up. Then she called her husband to organize something else. I was amazed to see her in total control. One more thing, she drives like mad. I mean very fast but not too dangerous.
The reason I wanted to write this is because I have seen many people who have always have an excuse.
People used to say that if god takes something away (like blind or deaf or dumb) from you, he will give something else. But I disagree with that as I don’t believe in god anymore. But that is possible because of their courage.
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