How can they do this to me

As my parents or my sisters don’t speak to me, I have to rely on my neighbor friend to get information about them. I don’t want to ring them as I have not done anything wrong. But I love everyone so I want to know. I used to call 3 or 4 times a week.
Today I called my friend and almost cried. But I didn’t want to show that to him so put the phone down. I have to call him back. The reason is my niece has come of age this month. He told me. My elder sister’s daughter. How can they not tell me that? How can they do that to me? She is my little baby. When she was born and the first few years I was there and she was my little favorite.
Parents and family has to love me and back me up. If they don’t when the gets going tough then the love is fake.
I have never ever hurt anyone intentionally. But people who do are always happy.
Now i know how much they hate me. I am not going to call them again.
I felt like i have to die today. But I don’t have the courage anymore to do that.

I Miss Them

Days are going very slow. When you don’t do anything, it’s so difficult to stop thinking about the past. And specialy when you don’t have anything next day and in future to look forward to, the day goes very slowly and the nights become impossible.
I miss them so much. I am a very family person. Now it’s been almost more than 2 months since I have spoken to my parents or my sisters. And I spoke to my Suryan on the 12 of January. I miss her so much and so want to talk to her.But when I spoke last time I said to her that I will not talk to her anymore as I don’t want to disturb her life. But I want to talk to her but she will be very angry with me. And I don’t want to make her sad. She deserves a very beautiful life.
I made my parents upset and angry and I asked not to talk to me unless they accept me as me…not whom they want me to be.
It is so painfull when the people you love the most hurts you. That’s the most painful a person can go thru in their life.

Equal Opportunity..........

I wasn’t in the mood to write anything for last few days. Last two days I tried every where to get a job. Everyone says that disability is not a problem and they are equal opportunity employer. Yes true. But people who works there have a problem with people like me. I went everywhere to log for a job. As I am walking with clutches I know its not easy to work. But some of the jobs I went today, its all desk based jobs. But As soon as they see me with clutches, they assume that I cant work. I almost cried today in front of a lady when she said they cant take me because of my leg. I begged her for a job with out any success.

I went to the council to register myslef as a disable person so I will get money weekly. I dont want to do that. but i dont have money anymore.

My house owner kindly said that he does not need his rent for the room until i get a job.

The strange thing is that it is very painful to have lost a leg and feeling helpful at times. Even to do the exercise for my leg, I dont have anybody. But it doesnt bother me. I am not sad losing my leg. But as soon as i think of my suryan it is so painful inside.

I cant control myself........

I deserve all these........for hurting my suryan so much.

Why Cant I Forget

I don’t know why this happened to me. Why my Suryan did this to me. Why I have lost everything. I know one year is a long time, I didn’t realise it will change forever. I had everything last April when I was wishing for her birthday, this year nothing. I don’t have anything.
Why can’t I forget her? Everytime I think of her I can’t stop crying. I can’t control myself and the tears just pours down the face. I logged in just so I can dish out all my sadness into this blog.
Whenever I go to sleep I will end up crying. I try hard not to, but I can’t. I love her so much that I can’t think of anything else. As I dont go out of my room its hard. I know she has not done anything wrong. Anyone would have done the same thing. But still I can’t stop myself from thinking about her. I know I don’t have the right to think about her anymore, but I can’t stop myself. I have so many memories that it does not go away.
In my heart I had married her and she is my wife. Now she is dead, that’s what I think to myself. I got all her emails, all the sms she sent me and her picture in my room. Thats enough for me.
People might say that I lived only 2 days with her, but that’s enough for me.
But I would like her to talk to me as a friend atleast.
I know I am wrong, but if loving her and living with her memories is wrong then I don’t want to be right.

I have lived almost a year now and I will forever. I would have done the same thing if I had married her and if she had died in few months. So I can do the same thing. I dont want anybody my parents or friends or family.

Life After Death

I don't know why I started this blog. I did have a blog for more than a year but last May I deleted the blog.

The main reason I am starting to write is I am scared and lonely. I don't have a Internet connection in my room but my laptop picks up wireless connection from nearby industrial area.

So when that goes I might not blog.

As the heading suggests, this is my second life. I did take sleeping tablets last month and survived. But because I was so weak I had a fit and had a fall. That made one of my legs paralyzed. They say it might come back but they have asked me to do some exercises. Still want s to die but i don't have the courage to do anything.

I don't have anybody to talk to these days and its very hard living alone. When I don't have anything to do I think about what happened and will end up crying. So I just wants to write whatever I think so I feel better. People will think that I need sympathy. But its not.

As whoever reads this will not know me so I can say whatever I want. I don't want your sympathy. I used to live with lots of people and now it is very hard living alone.

I am looking for jobs, but it is very hard to get one with one leg. I am getting disable allowance until i find a job.

As you might have guessed by now that I fell in love with a girl and now I have lost her. I want to tell her this website address so she can come and leave a comment just to say how she is doing.

She might not email me or remember my email address but when i tell her this website address she will remember. Because I want her to tell about her and her life. If she comes one day to this site.

Last year this time I had my parents, sisters and my lovely girl friend actually my wife.

now My parents don't talk to me and i have lost her for good. I don't know which one hurts more.

You might think why I am lonely. I lost my job last month. They sacked me. Actually I cant blame my boss. He is a very good man. I took so many days off and made so many mistakes. He did warn me. But i could not help it. It just happened.

I know i am doing so many wrong things and I know i am hurting so many people, but nobody understands me.

I don't have a heart and I have no mercy for others and I am a selfish pig.

I will not read your blogs and comment or reply to your comments. Don't think I am rude but I cant be bothered. I might do..i dont know.

Still trying to think why everything happened to me........

probably you guys think I am a loser and taking all these too far.........trust me I trying not to.

Finding out the hard way how Love hurts....