Loneliness

I feel like I want to kill somebody today. I get so angry these days and I hate talking or seeing anyone. I am so angry with my Suryan, Parents and God. More than anyone I am fucking mad at me. I just feels like lost somewhere in a remote island and every one I loved betrayed me.
I know deep down that I feel like this as my loneliness catching up with me. I feel so lonely and want someone to be around me. At the same time half of myself is so angry with others and don’t want to see another human face.
You might have lots of people around you and still feels lonely and sometimes you might not have anyone at all and feels good and not lonely.
Sometimes I just stare at my mobile hoping someone to call me. These days only people who calls me are those tells me that they are my friends and for some favour. Instead of asking how I am and where I am they call to ask something. Few days back a guy who I consider a good friend, called me after about 5 months and first thing he asked me is money. He said he has a problem and needs to go to Sri Lanka so he needs some money. He did not even ask how I was just for a courtesy.
I know I have decided not to speak to anyone. But to be honest, daily I get up hoping my parents would call me or I get an email from Suryan just say hello.
Before all this I used to joke with people that it would be nice to get money from the government and stay at home. I was so lazy and thought it would be the ideal world, where you don’t need to work and you can sleep 24/7. Now I got my wish.
But when you don’t have work and do nothing 24/7 and no one to just to talk, it is hard.
All I do is dwelling on the past. Someone said that you can live without food for so many days and live without water for so many days, but without hope you can’t live for much longer.
I know I am a fucking selfish cow and deserve all these for what I have done to my parents and Suryan.
I am a fucking selfish idiot with no love to others.