So Sorry

My life is now in slow motion. Life doesn’t move on and painfully slow. And most of the time, I sleep and whenever I get up, the past comes back to bug me and hug me.
Last few days I haven't seen anybody at all. The guy, who lives in the same house, has gone somewhere and I haven't gone out. I feel so miserable, but I can’t help it. I get so angry when someone talks to me. I wanted to go out atleast to the shop. But when I get up within minutes I will somehow remember my Suryan. So many memories of her, wherever I look, whatever I do, something will remind me of her. I love the memories but I am slowly getting used to the fact that she will never be with me again, but only her memories.
I so wanted to hear my Suryan’s voice and my mum’s voice this week. I called my mum few days ago but did not talk to her. She said heloo few times and asked who it is. I wanted to say hi, but I was worried that if she had not answered and put the phone down when I say hi, I couldn’t have taken it. It’s been 2 months since I have spoken to my parents and sisters.

I have'nt heard my Suryan’s voice since 12th of January. When I spoke to her that day I said I will not disturb her again. And I asked her to email me atleast once a month as a friend. When I called her this week I didn't talk to her because I don’t want to disturb her. She said helo few times and put the phone down. It’s so nice to hear the voice of her.
I wanted to tell her how I felt and how I feel now. Every time I called her in the past, I wouldn’t talk to her properly as I would start crying.
I posted a letter yesterday. Now I wish I didn’t. I explained that I still love her and I can’t get married for her and said sorry for hurting her so much.

When she got married, she wanted me to get married. She cares and loves me so much. I said yes, because I wanted her to be happy. Because her parents forced her into the marriage. So she wanted me to be happy so I agreed. But then I couldn’t do it and want her back. So she got angry with me and stopped talking to me properly. I tried to get over her feelings and marry someone for her. But I couldn’t do it. From the time I said I loved her, she is my wife and life.Thats how I felt and feel. Now I can’t change that feeling. So she stopped talking to me properly. I have hurt her so much.

I should have walked out of her life when she got married. But instead I made her life miserable and hurt her so much by talking to her and asking her to come back. I don’t blame her for not talking to me.
But for some reason I want her in my life atleast as a friend. I am sure she will understand why I couldn’t marry. Oneday she will understand and email me or come to this blog to say hi. I dont know asking her to be my friend is the right thing. but I cant stop talking to her.
Because I can’t do what she asks me to do, that doesn’t mean that I don’t love her. If I get married for my parents and my suryan, I have to live with the girl but with my suryan in my heart. That’s not fair on that girl.

I love her too much and have too many memories. She will understand. My parents won’t understand.
Parents and my suryan want me to get married and be happy and make them happy. But both of them don’t realise that I have a heart and feelings too.
I deserve all these because; I have hurt 3 people who I loved the most. My Suryan and my parents.
I am so sorry.