Suicide is selfish

I called my next door friend in Sri Lanka to ask about my parents. And he told me one of my best friend's mother had passed away last week. Coincidence or what. My best friend killed himself about 16 years ago.
This happened in 1991, I didn’t even go to the first day of his funeral, as I was so angry with him. He was in love with this girl for 3 years and one day she got married to another guy because her parents’ emotionally blackmailed her. And he could not cope with the fact that he lost her forever. I haven’t spoken about this with anyone for long time as it hurts so much.
The day before he killed himself, I was with him for the whole day trying to console him. He was inconsolable. I was so angry with her and I told him that if she had loved you that much she wouldn’t have done this to him.
There is no excuse for what he did. But if she knows that her parents are going to be against all this love, she shouldn’t have involved him. I know most of the people just turn their leaf over the next month or next day. But not every one can cope with that.
When I left him that night, I was convinced that I have talked some sense into him, and knew little that I will have to go to the mortuary to see him next morning.
At that time, and even until last year, I really did not know the real pain of love. And how much, it can hurt you. I never forgave him for what he did, leaving his parents and friends like that. I thought that is very selfish to do that.
I still think that killing yourself is the most selfish thing that one person can do. But now after all these years, I know why he did that and I no longer hate him for what he did. Because when I took those sleeping tablets myself in December, I did the same mistake and felt the same as he did. Only different being that I survived and he didn’t.
Just before Christmas, I lost my job and My parents stopped talking to me when I told them that I love my Suryan and can’t marry anyone and I lied to them that I got married to her. Even my father being a typical father told me not to come home ever. I asked my Suryan to call me or email me, but she didn’t. When I called her and asked why she did not speak to me properly she said that she stopped talking with everyone. So thought no one cares and i miss her so much and decided to kill myself. I called my Suryan that day, she did even care. I told her that I will die because she did not trust me. Then she told me something that made me call 999 for an ambulance.

One thing is for sure that once you have survived the attempt of killing your self, the chances of trying again, is very small. Because, now I don’t have the courage and the strength to, do it again.
When I took the tablets, I was so weak and I had a fit while they were taking me to the hospital. Because of the fit, I lost one of my legs. Initially one half of my body was paralysed. And after I regained consciousness, I was told that I have a temporary paralyse. My one whole side with one arm and leg was numb. But the next day I got my arm back but not the leg. I have been asked to go and see physiotherapist 2 days a week. But I don’t go. Because I think I want to live like this, as it reminded me of what things I have done wrong and I deserve it

When I was told about the paralyse, I didn’t even think and worry. I wanted to speak to my Suryan and my mum. I called my mum and she was so angry with me, she did not talk to me and told me that she was busy. I didn’t tell her that I was in the hospital. I did not want to know her.
When I regained consciousness, they gave me my mobile and I thought she would have rung me few times because she knew I had gone to the hospital. But no messages. I called her to say I am ok. But she was too busy to even talk to me.

I think the reason I survived with one leg is to suffer for what I have done. I have hurt so many people in the last year with my selfish life. So it’s my turn to suffer.