I have lost faith in God some time ago now. But everyday when I go to sleep just before I fall asleep, I pray for one last thing. I just want to go to sleep and never getup. Even that I dont pray, i guess i just beg from someone up there. If there is God, then i just want to die alone in my bed. The pain i go through is unbearable. I wish I have the guts to just kill myself and be done with it. Honestly I dont know what I have done so bad, that i have been destined to go thru this. Atleast God could have made her happy. Last time i got an email, from her, she wrote something about a operation. Why cant you leave her alone and make her happy.
I cant even stand the fact that i have lost her. Now she is goig through more pain.
Who ever up there...I am begging you to make her happy and make all her dreams come true........
I wish and beg and pray for me not to get up tomorrow morning.
If that happens ..I believe you God again......
Please take me back......
Friday 8 February 2008
Sunday 6 January 2008
Last wish
Even if you are about to get killed you will get a last wish. Every one in this world gets a chance to explain themselves or even second chance for the lucky ones. I feel like I have been robed of my life, without even telling me. One day I am in love and the whole world is with me and she has been promising that she cant live without me, the next day she is telling me that she got married because of my her parents.
There is nothing in this world can explain how my heart felt. I mean nothing.
When you love someone so much and trust them more than your own life…the last thing you expect from them is to break my heart. Just imagine if the mother you love so much, hurts you, then nothing can put you back.
I loved her more than my life and nothing can make me feel better. She could come up with 1000 reasons why she did this to me. But nothing is going to give my life back. And wash my pain away. I am sure she would have had options and could have decided my way. She would have thought, she is doing the right thing and she thought about her self and her family.
Because in everyone’s mind, that as a boy I can just switch my feelings and look at another girl. The truth is that my mind and heart is not a computer where you can switch off when you have finished with it. It doesn’t work that way. People might think I am over reacting. May be or maybe not. All I know is how hard for me to pass even a single day.
Why…………….I ask myself every second, every minute or every hour…I did not even have a small opportunity to fight for my life…..
Why did I deserve….
What have I done so wrong in my life to have my life completely taken away……….
There is nothing in this world can explain how my heart felt. I mean nothing.
When you love someone so much and trust them more than your own life…the last thing you expect from them is to break my heart. Just imagine if the mother you love so much, hurts you, then nothing can put you back.
I loved her more than my life and nothing can make me feel better. She could come up with 1000 reasons why she did this to me. But nothing is going to give my life back. And wash my pain away. I am sure she would have had options and could have decided my way. She would have thought, she is doing the right thing and she thought about her self and her family.
Because in everyone’s mind, that as a boy I can just switch my feelings and look at another girl. The truth is that my mind and heart is not a computer where you can switch off when you have finished with it. It doesn’t work that way. People might think I am over reacting. May be or maybe not. All I know is how hard for me to pass even a single day.
Why…………….I ask myself every second, every minute or every hour…I did not even have a small opportunity to fight for my life…..
Why did I deserve….
What have I done so wrong in my life to have my life completely taken away……….
Wednesday 2 January 2008
I Need Someone To Talk.....
After long time… I am starting to write again…Wish you a happy new year to anyone who cares to read…
It’s my birthday yesterday…and of course new year…guess where and what I was doing when the year was born. I was in my bed, crying my eyes out looking at couple of pictures. Only phone call I had was from one of my long-term friend from Malaysia, who I have not even met. Anyway she remembered my birthday and called to wish me and tell the good news that she is getting married.
I was happy for her and I tried my best to be normal and not to cry on her…but when she asked about my family and my big day. I could not help myself but cry…I could not control myself.
I feel bad for her for putting everything on her on new years day. But I have not spoken to anyone for long time. And I have not spoken to anyone about my love failure and my other problems.
Its been more than 2 years that I lost her. But I fell like yesterday. People might say, I am mad and over reacting. May be, but for me you can only fall in love once and with one person.
Hardest part of my life is living alone. The loneliness just amplify my feelings and the loss of her. All the old memories go thru my mind over and over again.
Some times you would feel alone when you have 100s of people around you and then sometimes you would feel like you are happy and with lots of people, when you are alone. But for me I am alone and feeling alone.
People say without hope its very hard to survive. That is true. Most of the night I am wide-awake and cant sleep. Memories of past would keep bugging me all the through the night. Some good and some bad. Sometimes even though I am very sleepy I wouldn’t close my eyes bcos I am scared of the memories and dreams that will go thru my head.
Not a single night passes through without my eyes filling with water. People go to sleep hoping everything would be ok and have their own dreams. But for me I have nothing to look forward to the next day. I just go to bed hoping never to get up.
The worst part of my life is that, because I don’t have anything to do in my life right now, It’s very difficult to divert my mind from the pain I go through. But then again even If I divert my mind, it’s not permanent.
My friend asked me to write the blog again. She made me promise. I am doing this for me and for her as…she is the only one who cared to call me to wish New Year.
So sister I will write in this blog all my feeling from today. But I must tell you, now I would probably cry and think about my girl friend more…..because she is my life.
Take care
It’s my birthday yesterday…and of course new year…guess where and what I was doing when the year was born. I was in my bed, crying my eyes out looking at couple of pictures. Only phone call I had was from one of my long-term friend from Malaysia, who I have not even met. Anyway she remembered my birthday and called to wish me and tell the good news that she is getting married.
I was happy for her and I tried my best to be normal and not to cry on her…but when she asked about my family and my big day. I could not help myself but cry…I could not control myself.
I feel bad for her for putting everything on her on new years day. But I have not spoken to anyone for long time. And I have not spoken to anyone about my love failure and my other problems.
Its been more than 2 years that I lost her. But I fell like yesterday. People might say, I am mad and over reacting. May be, but for me you can only fall in love once and with one person.
Hardest part of my life is living alone. The loneliness just amplify my feelings and the loss of her. All the old memories go thru my mind over and over again.
Some times you would feel alone when you have 100s of people around you and then sometimes you would feel like you are happy and with lots of people, when you are alone. But for me I am alone and feeling alone.
People say without hope its very hard to survive. That is true. Most of the night I am wide-awake and cant sleep. Memories of past would keep bugging me all the through the night. Some good and some bad. Sometimes even though I am very sleepy I wouldn’t close my eyes bcos I am scared of the memories and dreams that will go thru my head.
Not a single night passes through without my eyes filling with water. People go to sleep hoping everything would be ok and have their own dreams. But for me I have nothing to look forward to the next day. I just go to bed hoping never to get up.
The worst part of my life is that, because I don’t have anything to do in my life right now, It’s very difficult to divert my mind from the pain I go through. But then again even If I divert my mind, it’s not permanent.
My friend asked me to write the blog again. She made me promise. I am doing this for me and for her as…she is the only one who cared to call me to wish New Year.
So sister I will write in this blog all my feeling from today. But I must tell you, now I would probably cry and think about my girl friend more…..because she is my life.
Take care
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