Wednesday 2 January 2008

I Need Someone To Talk.....

After long time… I am starting to write again…Wish you a happy new year to anyone who cares to read…
It’s my birthday yesterday…and of course new year…guess where and what I was doing when the year was born. I was in my bed, crying my eyes out looking at couple of pictures. Only phone call I had was from one of my long-term friend from Malaysia, who I have not even met. Anyway she remembered my birthday and called to wish me and tell the good news that she is getting married.
I was happy for her and I tried my best to be normal and not to cry on her…but when she asked about my family and my big day. I could not help myself but cry…I could not control myself.
I feel bad for her for putting everything on her on new years day. But I have not spoken to anyone for long time. And I have not spoken to anyone about my love failure and my other problems.
Its been more than 2 years that I lost her. But I fell like yesterday. People might say, I am mad and over reacting. May be, but for me you can only fall in love once and with one person.
Hardest part of my life is living alone. The loneliness just amplify my feelings and the loss of her. All the old memories go thru my mind over and over again.
Some times you would feel alone when you have 100s of people around you and then sometimes you would feel like you are happy and with lots of people, when you are alone. But for me I am alone and feeling alone.
People say without hope its very hard to survive. That is true. Most of the night I am wide-awake and cant sleep. Memories of past would keep bugging me all the through the night. Some good and some bad. Sometimes even though I am very sleepy I wouldn’t close my eyes bcos I am scared of the memories and dreams that will go thru my head.
Not a single night passes through without my eyes filling with water. People go to sleep hoping everything would be ok and have their own dreams. But for me I have nothing to look forward to the next day. I just go to bed hoping never to get up.
The worst part of my life is that, because I don’t have anything to do in my life right now, It’s very difficult to divert my mind from the pain I go through. But then again even If I divert my mind, it’s not permanent.
My friend asked me to write the blog again. She made me promise. I am doing this for me and for her as…she is the only one who cared to call me to wish New Year.
So sister I will write in this blog all my feeling from today. But I must tell you, now I would probably cry and think about my girl friend more…..because she is my life.
Take care

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