I Need Someone To Talk.....

After long time… I am starting to write again…Wish you a happy new year to anyone who cares to read…
It’s my birthday yesterday…and of course new year…guess where and what I was doing when the year was born. I was in my bed, crying my eyes out looking at couple of pictures. Only phone call I had was from one of my long-term friend from Malaysia, who I have not even met. Anyway she remembered my birthday and called to wish me and tell the good news that she is getting married.
I was happy for her and I tried my best to be normal and not to cry on her…but when she asked about my family and my big day. I could not help myself but cry…I could not control myself.
I feel bad for her for putting everything on her on new years day. But I have not spoken to anyone for long time. And I have not spoken to anyone about my love failure and my other problems.
Its been more than 2 years that I lost her. But I fell like yesterday. People might say, I am mad and over reacting. May be, but for me you can only fall in love once and with one person.
Hardest part of my life is living alone. The loneliness just amplify my feelings and the loss of her. All the old memories go thru my mind over and over again.
Some times you would feel alone when you have 100s of people around you and then sometimes you would feel like you are happy and with lots of people, when you are alone. But for me I am alone and feeling alone.
People say without hope its very hard to survive. That is true. Most of the night I am wide-awake and cant sleep. Memories of past would keep bugging me all the through the night. Some good and some bad. Sometimes even though I am very sleepy I wouldn’t close my eyes bcos I am scared of the memories and dreams that will go thru my head.
Not a single night passes through without my eyes filling with water. People go to sleep hoping everything would be ok and have their own dreams. But for me I have nothing to look forward to the next day. I just go to bed hoping never to get up.
The worst part of my life is that, because I don’t have anything to do in my life right now, It’s very difficult to divert my mind from the pain I go through. But then again even If I divert my mind, it’s not permanent.
My friend asked me to write the blog again. She made me promise. I am doing this for me and for her as…she is the only one who cared to call me to wish New Year.
So sister I will write in this blog all my feeling from today. But I must tell you, now I would probably cry and think about my girl friend more…..because she is my life.
Take care

Want to kill myself

I just want to kill myself. But i dont have the courage anymore...
I dont know why I live anymore. my life sucks...
getting up....eating a bun at about 11 in the morning and sleeping until about 4 and eating bread or cornflakes...and going to bed ...
I might as well just die in the room....no one is going to even notice ..until ofcourse my body starts smelling...
Have had enough of crying and sleeping ..
why did this happen to me ...
why did she do this to me ...

Birthday Wishes

Wish you a happy birthday
to my friend

கண்ணீரால் ஒரு கவிதை!

கண்ணீர் கன்னம் நனைக்க
காதல் கால் நனைக்க
கனவின்றி கண்சிவந்து
கவிதையோடு தவம் கிடக்கிறேன்

ஒரு நாள் மறையவே
ஒரு ஜென்மம் போகுதடி
மறு நாள் வராமல் போகுமென்றே
மரணத்துக்காய் காத்திருக்கிறேன்

என் காதலும் என் கண்ணிரும்
என்னை நனைத்தே அழுக்காக்க
இன்னும் நீ மாறவில்லை

பழகிய நாட்களை மறக்கவே
பல வருசம் கிடக்கையில
பாவை உன் முகம் மறக்க
எத்தனை ஜென்மம் நான் எடுக்க
மறக்கத்தான் சொன்னாயா

மறந்துவிட சொன்னாயா
என்ற காரணத்தை கேக்கவே
பேசாமல் போய்விட்டாய்

கிறுக்கன் நான்
காதலை சொல்லி சொல்லி
கவிதையே செத்துடிச்சு

உன் பெயரை மறந்தேனென
துணிவாய் நான் சொல்ல
நினைத்தாலும் என் பேனா
எனோ உன்பெயரை
எழுதி தொலைக்கிறது

விட்டுபோகாதே விட்டுபோகாதே
என உன் கால் பிடிச்சு கெஞ்சியும்
உன் படம் மட்டும் பார்த்தவன்தான்
பெரிதிண்ணு பார்க்காம போனாயடி

ஒரு பானை சோத்துக்கு
ஒரு சோறு போதுமடி

ஒட்டுமொத்த பெண்களையும்
உன்னில் பார்த்ததால்- உன்னால்
உன்னால்த்தானடி
பெண்களை வெறுத்தேன்

உனக்காய் எழுத நினைத்தால்
வார்த்தை வர மறுக்கிறது

இறுதியாய் ஒன்று

என் கவிதைகள் அழிந்தாலும்
என் காதல் பொய்யானாலும்
உன்னை நினைத்தே
என் உருவம் சிதைந்தாலும்

உன்னால் நான் அடைந்த
அனுபவங்கள் அனைத்தும்
என் உயிரின் ஆணி வேரில்
என்றும் எழுதி இருக்கும்

கடைசியாய் ஒன்று

என் கவிதைகளை
எங்கு கண்டாலும்
கண்ணீரை துடைத்து விடு
by யாழ்_அகத்தியன்

for the last few days i have been reading poems about love. this guy is good. i am useless at writing poems. When I read the above peom, I cried. I feel like it is abou me.
This is the link to the original post.

Fucked up Life in a nut shell

Although I go online almost everyday, I only check my email account. Even that is to check whether Suryan has emailed me. I know it is never going to happen. But deep down every day I think to my self “what if”, so I check my emails.
Anyway I am starting to like my new life style. No need to get up in the morning, No need to go to work in the morning, No need to cook, No need worry about family problems, No need to wash/iron my clothes…..so the list goes on.
I hardly go out of my room. A small room with one bed, a small box for clothes and my laptop.
This is luxury for me. Although the bed time tears are still there, I am slowly recovering.
But the pain wont go away…but atleast I don’t have anything to do but to sleep…..
Sometimes I feel like I am living a fucked up life, but then again I deserve all these.

My bank is screwed…atlast

I took a loan out in December for my parents, although I knew I wasnt going to pay. I took a loan because if I die i dont want my parents to suffer. When I applied, my bank wanted me to take the loan protection scheme. So if I lose my job or if I die then they would pay the loan for me. It is a kind of insurance for the bank so that they can claim from their insurers if I failed to pay. Because I had to pay 40 pounds for a month extra, I got only the loan without payment protection.

Anyway now as I lost my job and can’t find a job with my disability, I couldn’t pay my monthly payments from January. Not because I don’t want to, but because I don’t have the money to pay. My bank account is over drawn. I had so many letters from the bank asking for the payment, I didn’t even bother to reply or even sometimes i dont even open any letters. As I don’t answer too many calls they left so many messages on my mobile as well asking me to pay.
And in the end they came around yesterday to talk to me.
The reason I am so happy is that in the past when I had missed a payment or two or even late on payments on my previous loan, they charged me lot of money as late payment charges etc.
Now they can’t do anything as I don’t have an income. They were trying to scare me by saying that I might be put in prison for not paying. I said I don’t give a shit.
They are going to refer to the debt collection agency. Fuck them, I don’t care and they can do what ever they want to do.
I have heard so many stories about banks ripping people off, as an individual, you cant fight against the banks. So they make all the rules. Now at least they are getting screwed for a change.

Loneliness

I feel like I want to kill somebody today. I get so angry these days and I hate talking or seeing anyone. I am so angry with my Suryan, Parents and God. More than anyone I am fucking mad at me. I just feels like lost somewhere in a remote island and every one I loved betrayed me.
I know deep down that I feel like this as my loneliness catching up with me. I feel so lonely and want someone to be around me. At the same time half of myself is so angry with others and don’t want to see another human face.
You might have lots of people around you and still feels lonely and sometimes you might not have anyone at all and feels good and not lonely.
Sometimes I just stare at my mobile hoping someone to call me. These days only people who calls me are those tells me that they are my friends and for some favour. Instead of asking how I am and where I am they call to ask something. Few days back a guy who I consider a good friend, called me after about 5 months and first thing he asked me is money. He said he has a problem and needs to go to Sri Lanka so he needs some money. He did not even ask how I was just for a courtesy.
I know I have decided not to speak to anyone. But to be honest, daily I get up hoping my parents would call me or I get an email from Suryan just say hello.
Before all this I used to joke with people that it would be nice to get money from the government and stay at home. I was so lazy and thought it would be the ideal world, where you don’t need to work and you can sleep 24/7. Now I got my wish.
But when you don’t have work and do nothing 24/7 and no one to just to talk, it is hard.
All I do is dwelling on the past. Someone said that you can live without food for so many days and live without water for so many days, but without hope you can’t live for much longer.
I know I am a fucking selfish cow and deserve all these for what I have done to my parents and Suryan.
I am a fucking selfish idiot with no love to others.