Sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve to live. I don’t know why I have turned into this cruel person. I am going to change myself. I spoke to Suryan one last time. I mean I hurt her one more time. I don’t know why I sent this stupid blog address to her. I was going to delete the blog but I am not going to. I want to live happily and make her happy.
But no one, I mean no one in this world is going to forgive me. But I am not going to blame anyone for hating me. As if it was me I would have done the same.
So sorry
Saturday 24 February 2007
Thursday 15 February 2007
Suicide is selfish
I called my next door friend in Sri Lanka to ask about my parents. And he told me one of my best friend's mother had passed away last week. Coincidence or what. My best friend killed himself about 16 years ago.
This happened in 1991, I didn’t even go to the first day of his funeral, as I was so angry with him. He was in love with this girl for 3 years and one day she got married to another guy because her parents’ emotionally blackmailed her. And he could not cope with the fact that he lost her forever. I haven’t spoken about this with anyone for long time as it hurts so much.
The day before he killed himself, I was with him for the whole day trying to console him. He was inconsolable. I was so angry with her and I told him that if she had loved you that much she wouldn’t have done this to him.
There is no excuse for what he did. But if she knows that her parents are going to be against all this love, she shouldn’t have involved him. I know most of the people just turn their leaf over the next month or next day. But not every one can cope with that.
When I left him that night, I was convinced that I have talked some sense into him, and knew little that I will have to go to the mortuary to see him next morning.
At that time, and even until last year, I really did not know the real pain of love. And how much, it can hurt you. I never forgave him for what he did, leaving his parents and friends like that. I thought that is very selfish to do that.
I still think that killing yourself is the most selfish thing that one person can do. But now after all these years, I know why he did that and I no longer hate him for what he did. Because when I took those sleeping tablets myself in December, I did the same mistake and felt the same as he did. Only different being that I survived and he didn’t.
Just before Christmas, I lost my job and My parents stopped talking to me when I told them that I love my Suryan and can’t marry anyone and I lied to them that I got married to her. Even my father being a typical father told me not to come home ever. I asked my Suryan to call me or email me, but she didn’t. When I called her and asked why she did not speak to me properly she said that she stopped talking with everyone. So thought no one cares and i miss her so much and decided to kill myself. I called my Suryan that day, she did even care. I told her that I will die because she did not trust me. Then she told me something that made me call 999 for an ambulance.
One thing is for sure that once you have survived the attempt of killing your self, the chances of trying again, is very small. Because, now I don’t have the courage and the strength to, do it again.
When I took the tablets, I was so weak and I had a fit while they were taking me to the hospital. Because of the fit, I lost one of my legs. Initially one half of my body was paralysed. And after I regained consciousness, I was told that I have a temporary paralyse. My one whole side with one arm and leg was numb. But the next day I got my arm back but not the leg. I have been asked to go and see physiotherapist 2 days a week. But I don’t go. Because I think I want to live like this, as it reminded me of what things I have done wrong and I deserve it
When I was told about the paralyse, I didn’t even think and worry. I wanted to speak to my Suryan and my mum. I called my mum and she was so angry with me, she did not talk to me and told me that she was busy. I didn’t tell her that I was in the hospital. I did not want to know her.
When I regained consciousness, they gave me my mobile and I thought she would have rung me few times because she knew I had gone to the hospital. But no messages. I called her to say I am ok. But she was too busy to even talk to me.
I think the reason I survived with one leg is to suffer for what I have done. I have hurt so many people in the last year with my selfish life. So it’s my turn to suffer.
This happened in 1991, I didn’t even go to the first day of his funeral, as I was so angry with him. He was in love with this girl for 3 years and one day she got married to another guy because her parents’ emotionally blackmailed her. And he could not cope with the fact that he lost her forever. I haven’t spoken about this with anyone for long time as it hurts so much.
The day before he killed himself, I was with him for the whole day trying to console him. He was inconsolable. I was so angry with her and I told him that if she had loved you that much she wouldn’t have done this to him.
There is no excuse for what he did. But if she knows that her parents are going to be against all this love, she shouldn’t have involved him. I know most of the people just turn their leaf over the next month or next day. But not every one can cope with that.
When I left him that night, I was convinced that I have talked some sense into him, and knew little that I will have to go to the mortuary to see him next morning.
At that time, and even until last year, I really did not know the real pain of love. And how much, it can hurt you. I never forgave him for what he did, leaving his parents and friends like that. I thought that is very selfish to do that.
I still think that killing yourself is the most selfish thing that one person can do. But now after all these years, I know why he did that and I no longer hate him for what he did. Because when I took those sleeping tablets myself in December, I did the same mistake and felt the same as he did. Only different being that I survived and he didn’t.
Just before Christmas, I lost my job and My parents stopped talking to me when I told them that I love my Suryan and can’t marry anyone and I lied to them that I got married to her. Even my father being a typical father told me not to come home ever. I asked my Suryan to call me or email me, but she didn’t. When I called her and asked why she did not speak to me properly she said that she stopped talking with everyone. So thought no one cares and i miss her so much and decided to kill myself. I called my Suryan that day, she did even care. I told her that I will die because she did not trust me. Then she told me something that made me call 999 for an ambulance.
One thing is for sure that once you have survived the attempt of killing your self, the chances of trying again, is very small. Because, now I don’t have the courage and the strength to, do it again.
When I took the tablets, I was so weak and I had a fit while they were taking me to the hospital. Because of the fit, I lost one of my legs. Initially one half of my body was paralysed. And after I regained consciousness, I was told that I have a temporary paralyse. My one whole side with one arm and leg was numb. But the next day I got my arm back but not the leg. I have been asked to go and see physiotherapist 2 days a week. But I don’t go. Because I think I want to live like this, as it reminded me of what things I have done wrong and I deserve it
When I was told about the paralyse, I didn’t even think and worry. I wanted to speak to my Suryan and my mum. I called my mum and she was so angry with me, she did not talk to me and told me that she was busy. I didn’t tell her that I was in the hospital. I did not want to know her.
When I regained consciousness, they gave me my mobile and I thought she would have rung me few times because she knew I had gone to the hospital. But no messages. I called her to say I am ok. But she was too busy to even talk to me.
I think the reason I survived with one leg is to suffer for what I have done. I have hurt so many people in the last year with my selfish life. So it’s my turn to suffer.
Monday 12 February 2007
Taking advantage of a person
I am looking for a job for a while now. Actually I don’t want to go and work, but the disable allowance I get from the council is not enough for the rent. Last few weeks I didn’t even have money to buy a loaf of bread. Today while I was in this Indian shop, the guy at the counter started talking to me because I was crippled. I couldn’t open the door with the clutches so he opened the door and started talking. He asked me what happened and I told him that I had a fall blah blah. This is one of the reasons I don’t like going anywhere, people ask lots of question and look at me in a weird way.
One point he asked me where I work and I told him that I am desperately looking for work and I would do anything. He offered me a job at the counter. I was pleasantly shocked. And he said only 4 hours every morning. So I agreed as its something. As I started praising his good character in my mind, he dropped a big bombshell. He said he can pay me only 3 pounds per hour. Minimum wages in this country is almost 6 pounds. Even at this point I thought what the hell; then I was going to say yes. Then seeing me thinking, he said that I can’t get work with one leg and he is just helping.
I was so angry. How can people take advantage of people like me? Yes it is difficult to get a job with my disability. But the way he said that made me very angry.
I told him that I will think about it and let him know. I was going to tell him off, but I was no mood to fight and argue these days. I am not going to go there again. But now, I think I should have said yes. Because I don’t think I can get a job easily and I am running out of time and money. Unless I manage to sell my car this week, I will not have money next week for my rent.
Just before Christmas I had a job and got paid about £10/hour and now I have to beg guys like this for 3 pounds. I never knew life can change this much in a short period.
I must have done something terrible in my previous life, if I had one. Although I don’t have a job it doesn’t hurt me or upset me. This is nothing compared to losing my Suryan and my parents.
The pain is unbearable.
One point he asked me where I work and I told him that I am desperately looking for work and I would do anything. He offered me a job at the counter. I was pleasantly shocked. And he said only 4 hours every morning. So I agreed as its something. As I started praising his good character in my mind, he dropped a big bombshell. He said he can pay me only 3 pounds per hour. Minimum wages in this country is almost 6 pounds. Even at this point I thought what the hell; then I was going to say yes. Then seeing me thinking, he said that I can’t get work with one leg and he is just helping.
I was so angry. How can people take advantage of people like me? Yes it is difficult to get a job with my disability. But the way he said that made me very angry.
I told him that I will think about it and let him know. I was going to tell him off, but I was no mood to fight and argue these days. I am not going to go there again. But now, I think I should have said yes. Because I don’t think I can get a job easily and I am running out of time and money. Unless I manage to sell my car this week, I will not have money next week for my rent.
Just before Christmas I had a job and got paid about £10/hour and now I have to beg guys like this for 3 pounds. I never knew life can change this much in a short period.
I must have done something terrible in my previous life, if I had one. Although I don’t have a job it doesn’t hurt me or upset me. This is nothing compared to losing my Suryan and my parents.
The pain is unbearable.
Sunday 11 February 2007
So Sorry
My life is now in slow motion. Life doesn’t move on and painfully slow. And most of the time, I sleep and whenever I get up, the past comes back to bug me and hug me.
Last few days I haven't seen anybody at all. The guy, who lives in the same house, has gone somewhere and I haven't gone out. I feel so miserable, but I can’t help it. I get so angry when someone talks to me. I wanted to go out atleast to the shop. But when I get up within minutes I will somehow remember my Suryan. So many memories of her, wherever I look, whatever I do, something will remind me of her. I love the memories but I am slowly getting used to the fact that she will never be with me again, but only her memories.
I so wanted to hear my Suryan’s voice and my mum’s voice this week. I called my mum few days ago but did not talk to her. She said heloo few times and asked who it is. I wanted to say hi, but I was worried that if she had not answered and put the phone down when I say hi, I couldn’t have taken it. It’s been 2 months since I have spoken to my parents and sisters.
I have'nt heard my Suryan’s voice since 12th of January. When I spoke to her that day I said I will not disturb her again. And I asked her to email me atleast once a month as a friend. When I called her this week I didn't talk to her because I don’t want to disturb her. She said helo few times and put the phone down. It’s so nice to hear the voice of her.
I wanted to tell her how I felt and how I feel now. Every time I called her in the past, I wouldn’t talk to her properly as I would start crying.
I posted a letter yesterday. Now I wish I didn’t. I explained that I still love her and I can’t get married for her and said sorry for hurting her so much.
When she got married, she wanted me to get married. She cares and loves me so much. I said yes, because I wanted her to be happy. Because her parents forced her into the marriage. So she wanted me to be happy so I agreed. But then I couldn’t do it and want her back. So she got angry with me and stopped talking to me properly. I tried to get over her feelings and marry someone for her. But I couldn’t do it. From the time I said I loved her, she is my wife and life.Thats how I felt and feel. Now I can’t change that feeling. So she stopped talking to me properly. I have hurt her so much.
I should have walked out of her life when she got married. But instead I made her life miserable and hurt her so much by talking to her and asking her to come back. I don’t blame her for not talking to me.
But for some reason I want her in my life atleast as a friend. I am sure she will understand why I couldn’t marry. Oneday she will understand and email me or come to this blog to say hi. I dont know asking her to be my friend is the right thing. but I cant stop talking to her.
Because I can’t do what she asks me to do, that doesn’t mean that I don’t love her. If I get married for my parents and my suryan, I have to live with the girl but with my suryan in my heart. That’s not fair on that girl.
I love her too much and have too many memories. She will understand. My parents won’t understand.
Parents and my suryan want me to get married and be happy and make them happy. But both of them don’t realise that I have a heart and feelings too.
I deserve all these because; I have hurt 3 people who I loved the most. My Suryan and my parents.
I am so sorry.
Last few days I haven't seen anybody at all. The guy, who lives in the same house, has gone somewhere and I haven't gone out. I feel so miserable, but I can’t help it. I get so angry when someone talks to me. I wanted to go out atleast to the shop. But when I get up within minutes I will somehow remember my Suryan. So many memories of her, wherever I look, whatever I do, something will remind me of her. I love the memories but I am slowly getting used to the fact that she will never be with me again, but only her memories.
I so wanted to hear my Suryan’s voice and my mum’s voice this week. I called my mum few days ago but did not talk to her. She said heloo few times and asked who it is. I wanted to say hi, but I was worried that if she had not answered and put the phone down when I say hi, I couldn’t have taken it. It’s been 2 months since I have spoken to my parents and sisters.
I have'nt heard my Suryan’s voice since 12th of January. When I spoke to her that day I said I will not disturb her again. And I asked her to email me atleast once a month as a friend. When I called her this week I didn't talk to her because I don’t want to disturb her. She said helo few times and put the phone down. It’s so nice to hear the voice of her.
I wanted to tell her how I felt and how I feel now. Every time I called her in the past, I wouldn’t talk to her properly as I would start crying.
I posted a letter yesterday. Now I wish I didn’t. I explained that I still love her and I can’t get married for her and said sorry for hurting her so much.
When she got married, she wanted me to get married. She cares and loves me so much. I said yes, because I wanted her to be happy. Because her parents forced her into the marriage. So she wanted me to be happy so I agreed. But then I couldn’t do it and want her back. So she got angry with me and stopped talking to me properly. I tried to get over her feelings and marry someone for her. But I couldn’t do it. From the time I said I loved her, she is my wife and life.Thats how I felt and feel. Now I can’t change that feeling. So she stopped talking to me properly. I have hurt her so much.
I should have walked out of her life when she got married. But instead I made her life miserable and hurt her so much by talking to her and asking her to come back. I don’t blame her for not talking to me.
But for some reason I want her in my life atleast as a friend. I am sure she will understand why I couldn’t marry. Oneday she will understand and email me or come to this blog to say hi. I dont know asking her to be my friend is the right thing. but I cant stop talking to her.
Because I can’t do what she asks me to do, that doesn’t mean that I don’t love her. If I get married for my parents and my suryan, I have to live with the girl but with my suryan in my heart. That’s not fair on that girl.
I love her too much and have too many memories. She will understand. My parents won’t understand.
Parents and my suryan want me to get married and be happy and make them happy. But both of them don’t realise that I have a heart and feelings too.
I deserve all these because; I have hurt 3 people who I loved the most. My Suryan and my parents.
I am so sorry.
Monday 5 February 2007
Looking for a job…
I spent whole day reading all the text messages my suryan sent me long time ago. Although it hurts when reading some of the text messages, deep down I feel happy, because she loved me more than anyone in her life. My feelings and mood swings so much these days. One minute I am so down then the next minute I want to live a normal life with her memories. But every where I turn I have her memories. So I am not alone. She has not left me alone, but with her lovely memories.
Saturday I spent most of the time walking with my clutches, all around the town centre to find a job. I went to few job agencies to look for jobs. But as soon as people see me with one leg, they would make their mind up that there is nothing suitable for me to do. It’s very difficult to convince them after that. But then again, I don’t blame them as even I know I can’t do much work. Because I lost my leg only a month ago and I have not mastered the art of using clutches without losing my balance. I tell you one thing though, using of clutches is bloody hard.
I finaly got the letter from the council for my permanent disable allowance. When I got the letter I cried for two reasons. One, that I am happy now I will have some sort of money coming in and second, I never thought even in my wildest dreams that I will be relying on the allowance to get my life going. But that’s life isnt it. You will have, all your life well planned and something else will happen to ruin everything.
I still have to get a job, as that will be not enough to pay the rent. As I am partial disable I get only a small amount for a week. I have not paid my rent for weeks now, but my landlord is a very understanding guy. But that’s not an excuse for not paying.
I am selling my car this week. I can’t drive the car with one leg, so I thought of selling it and paying my outstanding rent.
Sunday slept the whole day, as I didn’t want to get up. Even today I only got up twice. I so wanted to call her today to hear my suryan’s voice. My if I call her I will end up hurting her. I even dialled the number. I want to tell her few things so I wrote a letter which I am going to post it to her office.
Tc
Saturday I spent most of the time walking with my clutches, all around the town centre to find a job. I went to few job agencies to look for jobs. But as soon as people see me with one leg, they would make their mind up that there is nothing suitable for me to do. It’s very difficult to convince them after that. But then again, I don’t blame them as even I know I can’t do much work. Because I lost my leg only a month ago and I have not mastered the art of using clutches without losing my balance. I tell you one thing though, using of clutches is bloody hard.
I finaly got the letter from the council for my permanent disable allowance. When I got the letter I cried for two reasons. One, that I am happy now I will have some sort of money coming in and second, I never thought even in my wildest dreams that I will be relying on the allowance to get my life going. But that’s life isnt it. You will have, all your life well planned and something else will happen to ruin everything.
I still have to get a job, as that will be not enough to pay the rent. As I am partial disable I get only a small amount for a week. I have not paid my rent for weeks now, but my landlord is a very understanding guy. But that’s not an excuse for not paying.
I am selling my car this week. I can’t drive the car with one leg, so I thought of selling it and paying my outstanding rent.
Sunday slept the whole day, as I didn’t want to get up. Even today I only got up twice. I so wanted to call her today to hear my suryan’s voice. My if I call her I will end up hurting her. I even dialled the number. I want to tell her few things so I wrote a letter which I am going to post it to her office.
Tc
Thursday 1 February 2007
Broken Heart....
Love is not for weaker hearts
Even I think sometimes why I am doing this and I am like this. But I have tried so much and I can’t stop thinking of her. When I think of it, it’s because of the love I had for her.
I never though, I will be this much hurt, in my life at any point. One thing I learned from this is Love is not for weaker hearts. I always thought I can cope with anything emotionally. I thought I am a tough guy. But painfully I found out that I am the weakest of all. Sometimes when I think of her and the thought of my future without her and my family tears come rolling down the cheeks. I can’t even control it.
I fell in love at the age of 28 and it is not just a school boy crush or college infatuation. And when the person you love the most vanishes from your life. It hurts. And it breaks your heart forever. Heart is like a piece of glass and once broken it will never be the same thing again.
I have read about that life goes on; time is a great healer; blah blah. This is bullshit. If you are in real love and if you don’t get that person life will not be the same again. Life goes on. Yes I know. But the pain does not go away. It’s been almost 8 months since I lost her. So don’t give that bullshit about the time will make me happy.
I am not going to try and kill myself again. That’s because I don’t have the courage for that. And I want to live and prove my parents wrong.
She can tell me to get married but it’s not that easy. For others it’s just a love. But for me from the day I told her I love her she is my wife. In my heart. And I felt I was married. So I don’t want to get married again.
Because in everything I do, I see her and remember her. And If I get married again, it is not fair on the girl I am marrying to. My Suryan might hate me now for not getting married. As she wants me to be happy. But it’s not that easy.
My heart and my feelings and my Love are not a electronic item where you can pull the plug and switch off.
So she might hate me now. But one day she will understand why I could marry anyone. Because if I had got married to someone, she would have done the same. Now she won’t understand because she loved me so much and now she hates to see me getting hurt.
But it’s too late.
Even I think sometimes why I am doing this and I am like this. But I have tried so much and I can’t stop thinking of her. When I think of it, it’s because of the love I had for her.
I never though, I will be this much hurt, in my life at any point. One thing I learned from this is Love is not for weaker hearts. I always thought I can cope with anything emotionally. I thought I am a tough guy. But painfully I found out that I am the weakest of all. Sometimes when I think of her and the thought of my future without her and my family tears come rolling down the cheeks. I can’t even control it.
I fell in love at the age of 28 and it is not just a school boy crush or college infatuation. And when the person you love the most vanishes from your life. It hurts. And it breaks your heart forever. Heart is like a piece of glass and once broken it will never be the same thing again.
I have read about that life goes on; time is a great healer; blah blah. This is bullshit. If you are in real love and if you don’t get that person life will not be the same again. Life goes on. Yes I know. But the pain does not go away. It’s been almost 8 months since I lost her. So don’t give that bullshit about the time will make me happy.
I am not going to try and kill myself again. That’s because I don’t have the courage for that. And I want to live and prove my parents wrong.
She can tell me to get married but it’s not that easy. For others it’s just a love. But for me from the day I told her I love her she is my wife. In my heart. And I felt I was married. So I don’t want to get married again.
Because in everything I do, I see her and remember her. And If I get married again, it is not fair on the girl I am marrying to. My Suryan might hate me now for not getting married. As she wants me to be happy. But it’s not that easy.
My heart and my feelings and my Love are not a electronic item where you can pull the plug and switch off.
So she might hate me now. But one day she will understand why I could marry anyone. Because if I had got married to someone, she would have done the same. Now she won’t understand because she loved me so much and now she hates to see me getting hurt.
But it’s too late.
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